JOHNHOJ: Savior of Christmas
by Sycho Seth Burns
Summary: JOHNHOJ needs a heater because his house is really cold. He heads out to buy a heater, but if he thinks that it'll be that easy then he hasn't been paying attention to how life has been treating him for the last 1,000 years.


This is a tale of Christmas, holiday joy, and some homeless loser named JOHNHOJ.

If you read the first JOHNHOJ you should already know who he is and what he's all about, but just in case you don't know him I'll tell you. JOHNHOJ is a middle-age looking brown man with short black hair, trashy clothes, and is a failed savior of the world, he had the backing of God himself but he still managed to completely screw it up. If you ever wondered why your life is so shitty, well now you know why it is and who is responsible. He had one job and messed it up completely and now he'll live forever while stewing over his past failures. That's pretty much all you have to know.

JOHNHOJ was in his house in Illinois. He lived in a neighborhood found in East Chicago, said neighborhood's biggest landmark being 'George Michaels Bar & Grill'. Which has a one star rating with a simple review of "Full of homo's.". Thank you, Mr. A Google User. JOHNHJ lived in a very small and abandoned shack near the empty tennis court at the corner of Broad Street and Pine Avenue (I didn't make that up, there's actually an area like that in East Chicago, just search up the restaurant on Google maps and go west of it.) JOHNHOJ sat in his house, livid over how cold it was inside his house. "Man, if only I could find a job so that I could buy a heater. Well, it doesn't matter that much I guess. It wouldn't be the first time I freeze to death." Just then, the radio he had played something that gave him a reason to get up and do something! His radio died. "Aw, well I wouldn't want to freeze with no sweet tunes playing, so might as well go do something.

JOHNHOJ walked out into the snow covered landscape and looked at all of the decorated houses and then looked at his own, he couldn't help but feel a little jealous about how he was too poor to have lights on his house. Although admittedly his house would still look like complete shit so he kept walking. He was heading toward the nearest pub 'Coaches Corner' to see if there was any job opportunities. While heading there, he got sidetracked, right when he was getting close to reaching the place he noticed suspicious glowing lights coming from an deserted warehouse. Curiosity compelled JOHNHOJ to check out the scintillating depot. When getting near he could swear he could hear a man's voice singing about being "The Master of Disguise", whatever that could mean. (reference: watch?v=ngk3Urrpa8k ) When JOHNHOJ got to one of the lower windows and peaked in, he got very confused very fast. He saw a bunch of scientific mumbo-jumbo, one having a bunch of 'disguises' in tubes and another one having out of place piano keys on it; just to name a few. The man seemed to be teleporting around the room by snapping his fingers. JOHNHOJ found the origin of the lights being a sleigh with 8 mechanical reindeer on it. The sleigh itself was glowing and the eyes of the reindeer were making a laser light show in the warehouse. JOHNHOJ also noticed that there was a nice fuzzy pink-reddish recliner, "I wish I had one of those at my house." JOHNHOJ whispered to himself. It was a very puzzling and worrying scene to watch and JOHNHOJ was dumbfounded by what was happening. The man had stopped singing and had started monologuing to himself. The man was fairly tall, seemingly 6'3 or 6'4 and had slick black hair and a chin of the Gods. His get-up was strange, he was wearing what seemed to be blue spandex under very high pants that was red and purple stripes with thin yellow stripes between each red and purple stripe and had a small buttoned-up vest with the same design on it.

"Now all I need is a Santa costume and Christmas will be gone!". JOHNHOJ was surprised by this, why would someone want to do-away with Christmas? "When Christmas doesn't come, people will be so sad that will never get leave their houses and when they don't I, Robbie Rotten, will FINALLY get the peace and quiet that I deserve! To long have I've been forced to stop being lazy to stop everyone from being SO aNNoying!" 'This man must be really mad to be enunciating his words like this.' Thought JOHNHOJ, 'but nevertheless I have to stop him, but how?' Just then, the man started to change, a Santa costume shot out of one of the tubes and warped onto him. "Hahaha! With this costume I look just like Saint Nick, now time to steal all of those presents." Robbie said. "Wait right there!" JOHNHOJ shouted, "You can't just steal the presents of all the innocent children of the world, that would take much longer than one night anyways!". Robbie seemed to think about that for a moment, "You're right, I'll just steal the presents of the children of Chicago specifically. Thanks for the advice unnamed person!" JOHNHOJ got angry at that, "That's not what I meant, you weirdly-dressed social outcast!" Robbie turned around and looked hurt. "Hey, I don't insult you on how you dress and you look like a homeless bum!" Robbie Rotten turned back around and started walking toward his sleigh. JOHNHOJ tried to tackle him but Robbie teleported to his sleigh. "Whoever you are, you should just go back to your day job." "I don't have a job, Robbie!" "Oh... well then just go leach off of some unemployment checks or something." The sleigh took off and flew threw a large hole that had just opened up.

"Well what do I do now? I don't have a way to catch Robbie, unless there's something around here that could help me..." JOHNHOJ looked around the room until he spotted something that could help him, although success was slim. "It's dangerous, but it'll have to do." JOHNHOJ walked over to the item and looked to the slowly closing opening in the wall. "I just hope this cannon works, and sends me far enough." Yes, JOHNHOJ is going to try to fire himself from a cannon to hopefully land on a sleigh flying at an unknown speed, he was either fearless or brainless. He cranked the countdown timer and hopped into the cannon and prayed for this horrible plan to work. After a large explosion, JOHNHOJ flew out of the building and into the air. "I HOPE I LINED IT UP RIGHT!" JOHNHOJ yelled while flying through the air, unable to see due to how hard the wind was hitting him. Soon he could make out a sleigh, and miraculously he landed in the back with a heavy thud. "AH!" JOHNHOJ screamed upon landing. Robbie Rotten turned around and looked at JOHNHOJ. "Wha...WHAT? How did you... nevermind. Whoever you are, it's time you learn to not meddle in other people's evil schemes!" Robbie turned the mechanical reindeer onto auto-pilot, got up, and got to the surprisingly roomy back part of the sleigh.

Music for fight scene: watch?v=bNw0ZKN4fYM

Robbie threw the first punch, but JOHNHOJ dodged it. However, before he could capitalize on this opening Robbie kicked him square in the face. JOHNHOJ flew farther back the sleigh and almost fell out. "Hmm, looks like you're not very good at fighting nameless stranger. Don't worry, you won't be around to muse over your abundance of failures, AHAHAHAHAA!" JOHNHOJ got up, "As long as my name is JOHNHOJ, I will not allow you to get away with this heinous crime!". Robbie looked confused for a moment. Then said, "JOHNHOJ? HA! That was the best your parents could come up with? I see failure must run in your family then." JOHNHOJ jumped up and tried to kick Robbie, but the Rotten one teleported to the front of the sleigh. "Nice try JOHNHOJ, but you are much too slow to hit me." Robbie then teleported back to JOHNHOJ and threw a punch, but JOHNHOJ caught the punch and counter-punched Robbie in the face. "Hey! Let go of me!" Robbie tried teleporting away, but JOHNHOJ held on and would be teleported with him each time. Everytime Robbie would teleport to a different part of the sleigh, JOHNHOJ would be there with him. "I'm not letting go of you Robbie! So just give up!" "Never!" Robbie punched JOHNHOJ in the gut multiple times and kneed him in the gut, causing JOHNHOJ to let go and allowing Robbie to teleport back to the front of the sleigh.

While they fought, the sleigh started to change course. Without a driver, the reindeer started to speed up and slowly dive downward. Unfortunately for both JOHNHOJ and Robbie, the particular building they were heading toward was a highly unstable chemical plant. JOHNHOJ and Robbie were exchanging punches at the front of the sleigh until they both noticed the rapidly approaching chemical plant. They both screamed in unison. "AAHHHHHHHH!" "OH SHIT!" The sleigh smashed into the plant, causing an explosion of prodigious magnitudes! Flaming pieces of building, mechanical reindeer, and sleigh flew through the air. Both Robbie and JOHNHOJ survived, but both were fairly injured. "JOHNHOJ... *cough* y-you'll pay for this." JOHNHOJ staggered up to his feet and said, "Robbie, it's over. Your plan failed and you'll be in jail soon, just suck it up already. While you're still here, would you mind telling me why you didn't teleport out of the sleigh before we crashed!?" Robbie looked at JOHNHOJ for a second and then said, "Well, I... okay I... I just don't work well under pressure okay!?". "Man Robbie, you're worse than me." With that final word, JOHNHOJ walked away from the scene and headed straight to his horrible house.

JOHNHOJ went inside and immediately sat in his non-fuzzy recliner. "Wait, wasn't the whole point of me leaving was to get a heater? AW COME ON!" JOHNHOJ was angry at the fact that he didn't get the heater, but was too tired to get up and do something about it. Just then, he noticed that there was a present in the corner of the room with a letter attached to it. "Is that from who I think it is?" He went over to the present and read the letter.

"Ho Ho Ho! I hope that you like the present inside, I knew you really wanted it. After all, a fantastic hero such as yourself deserves to be warm and cozy during the cold night" 'Hey,' JOHNHOJ thought 'that's pretty nice of the man to do, my Christmas definitely is a little better.' JOHNHOJ continued to read the letter. "Well, Happy Christmas and a happy New Year JOHNHOJ Tortellini, Sincerely Santa Claus!". JOHNHOJ looked at the letter for a second. "JOHNHOJ TORTELLINI!?" JOHNHOJ sat there in silence for awhile then said, "Well, at least I got he heater."


End file.
